Found in the messy

The last week has been what I call "messy".

I've been doing some internal work around my first online workshop and the decision to share more of my Self in this blog. I did both last week and boy did it kick up some shit. As uncomfortable as it was, I really paid attention. 

Putting my class out there caused me to feel vulnerable. Sharing parts of my story caused me to feel vulnerable. All of this "not playing small and letting the world see me" stuff is really not as much fun as it sounds. At least not initially. Vulnerable is hard. 

What if no one signed up for my class? What if I got really honest in my blog posts and people thought I was crazy? The gamut of feelings and the noise I had to deal with in my head was draining. But I did it anyway.  

And I'm doing it again right now. Because if I'm honest, there are days I don't feel close to God, there are days I don't like people, there are days I'm ultra sensitive and there are days depression and anxiety kick my ass so bad that it takes all my strength to to not curl up into a ball and cry all day.

I immediately feel the urge to delete that whole last paragraph because of that damn vulnerability thing again. Leaving it allows you to really "see me". And if I feel and think and struggle with this "stuff" doesn't that mean I'm not progressing on the spiritual journey? Doesn't this make me flawed somehow? 

The answer is NO. 

Because here is the thing I learned as a counselor, that I need to keep upfront at all times:

I don't find what I'm truly made of when it's "all good". I don't get the opportunity to dive into the depth of my courage when I stay in the shallow end of my heart. I learn when I fall apart. I learn when I dive in and face the shit about myself that I don't like. I learn when I dig in the trenches.

My spirituality is messy. It's a "falling apart, a coming undone, and a put the pieces back together" type of thing...sometimes on a daily basis. And it's where I encounter Her...the one with the war paint on her face, who isn't afraid to show the world who she really is, who understands the only battle she really has is with herself. I'm really starting to dig her. 

 

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"She was found in the messy" Original words and art by Jennifer Albin, 6/14/15